Not so Advance Wars
by StarFoxRocks
Summary: An Insane fic I had up in AWB... it's insane... so read and review, please!
1. Chapter Won

Author's Note: This is inspired by a really crazy book I read once, so it may seem a bit like it.

_Chapter One_

It was winter in blue moon, and it was hot. Really hot. All the soldiers were boiling because of the heat. The trees melted. The houses melted. Colin's plastic chair melted. The sun was a giant ball of flame that was burning the land. Olaf-

_Wait a minute._

What?

_Blue Moon isn't like that in the winter. Start over._

Fine...

It was winter in blue moon, and it was raining. It rained all day. All the soldiers were drinking from the rainwater accidentally and became really fat. The trees grew. The houses grew. Colin's plastic chair grew. The clouds-

_Hold on_.

Now what?

_Blue Moon isn't like that in winter either. Stop being stupid or I won't read the fic._

Fine, have it your way.

It was winter in blue moon, and it was cold. Really cold. The soldiers were freezing because of the cold. The trees froze. The houses froze. Colin's plastic chair froze. The sun was frozen as well.

Olaf was discussing with Arthas, who had stolen his throne, which was frozen.

"I must have my throne back! Move over!"

"I will never move from this throne. I shall be king forever!"

Grit entered. He slipped and fell on the icy floor. "Ow," he cried.

"Shut up," Olaf said. "And give me my throne back!"

"NEVAR!" Arthas yelled. His voice echoed and made Grit's eardrums explode. A drum solo followed.

"Shut up," Olaf repeated.

"My lobes!" Grit screamed. His voice echoed and made Arthas' eardrums explode.

"Ow!" he said.

"Take that," Grit grinned.

"Shut up," Olaf said yet again. He was so fat and blubbery, with his fat and blubber and santa like beard. He was also a Russian Spy for the IRS.

"I am not!" he yelled, making his fat bulge. "Shut up!" he said again, and tripped and fell because he was so fat.

_Wait... wouldn't he trip and fall because of the ice?_

No.

_But Grit-_

Shut up.

Arthas and Grit fixed their ears with Andy's superglue.

"Thanks, Andy!" Grit said.

"No problemo!" Andy said. He turned around and ran into a tree.

How did he run into a tree, you ask?

_Actually, I didn't-_

Shut up. He ran into a tree because Olaf was growing one in his throne room, until it froze. Actually, Andy didn't run into the tree, but the ice that surrounded the tree.

"Are you okay?" Arthas asked.

Andy didn't respond, because his face got stuck.

"Are you okay?" Arthas asked again.

"I don't think so," Grit said. "Andy? Are you okay?"

Andy couldn't respond. He was stuck to the ice.

"I think he's stuck to the ice," Olaf said.

_Obviously._

"Shut up, Narrator!" Olaf said with rage.

That wasn't me. It was the italics guy.

_Um... liar._

"I'll kill you both!" Olaf said.

Um... hey look! Colin is yelling for help! Go save him!

"That sounds like Colin!" Grit said.

They all ran away. But not Arthas, because his butt got frozen to the frozen throne, and he got stuck.

"Help!" he wailed. "Please help me!"

But no one went to help him, because he was a thief and a liar and a murderer and had horrible tooth decay. Instead, they went to help Colin.

Colin was sitting on his plastic chair when it had froze, so he got stuck. He was crying in the way Arthas was before.

"Me bum is numb!" he rhymed.

"Cool," Grit said.

"So?" Olaf asked.

"Get me out!" Colin demanded.

"I want cheese and nachos," Olaf said.

"Okay," Colin said. "But first you must rescue me!"

"How?" Grit asked.

"There is a torch in the basement," Colin explained. "Go get it and melt this ice! But not my plastic chair. I love my plastic chair."

"Okay, we'll try," Grit said. "Come along, Olaf."

"I give the orders around here!" Olaf said. "Come along, Olaf. Colin, I except those cheese and nachos when I get back."

He would have said more, but he slipped on the ice floor and fell down the stairs, surviving somehow.

"Oh noes!" Grit cried. "Olaf! I'll save you!"

He took one step and slipped as well.

**To be continued! (maybe)**


	2. Crapter Two

_Chapter Two_

Olaf and Grit both stood up. They were both unharmed.

_Wait a minute._

What?

_Why didn't they die?_

Because then the story would end, stupid. Anyway, Olaf and Grit then went towards the basement.

"I think we're lost," Olaf said after five long hours.

"Me too," Grit said. "Let's go make fun of Arthas."

"Wait a minute!" Olaf said.

"What?"

"Hi."

"...hi."

Olaf suddenly fell through a trap door into blackness. Grit blinked.

"...um."

He turned and ran, only to slip and fall and slide on the ice. He rammed into a cabinet and was knocked backwards into the hole. He landed on Olaf in the sea of blackness.

"Where are we?" Olaf asked.

Suddenly everything went red. Then green! Then white! Then yellow!!!

"Whoa!" Grit cried out.

"COLORS!" Olaf yelled. "I SEE A LOT OF COLORS! IT'S LIKE THERES A RAINBOW, IN MY BRAIN! SO MANY DELICIOUS COLORS! I LIKE THEM LIKE MAH BABIES!"

Grit blinked.

"...sir?"

"What?"

Grit blinked again. "Nothing."

"Why do you keep blinking?" Olaf asked.

"My eye contacts hurt," Grit explained.

"You wear contacts?" Olaf asked.

Grit's eye falls out.

"Thanks a lot, fatso, now everyone knows!"

Suddenly they were transported back to the throne room. With Arthas and his butt frozen to the throne and Andy with his face stuck on the frozen tree.

"Why are we here again?" Grit asked.

"Plot Device," Arthas muttered. "NOW HELP ME!"

"Why?" Olaf asked.

"Because I'm stuck," Arthas said.

"Why?" Olaf asked.

"Because the throne is frozen!"

"Why?"

"Because the weather is bad!"

"Why?"

"Because you used your damn powers!"

"Why?"

"Because you're a fat moron!"

"Why?"

Arthas' head exploded for a very strange reason in which you were not meant to know.

_What's the reason?_

If I told you, it wouldn't be a reason.

_Come on... you can tell me._

No.

"Well, he's dead," Grit said.

"Why?" Olaf asked.

"...because shut up."

Then they heard Colin's cry for help. It went like this: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLL - P.

"That sounded like Colin!" Grit exclaimed.

"Why?"

Grit kicked Olaf in the family jewels.

"Hey! Those cost a fortune for my family to die! Take this!"

He stabbed Grit's banana.

"Hey! I was gonna eat that!" Grit yelled, ripping up Olaf's peanuts.

"Nooo! Now what will I eat at the baseball game?!"

They began ripping, destroying, stabbing, shooting, and eating each other's various fruits and nuts whose names made the whole incident seem very wrong.

Then Colin cried again.

"That sounded like Colin!" Grit stopped to say. Olaf punched him in the face, and his hat fell off, revealing a HORRIBLE, UGLY but cute little purple monkey.

"wtf?" he said.

_Hold on a minute_

NOW what?

_Nobody just says w, t, and f._

Yes they do.

_No, only on the internet._

...shut up. "wtf?" Olaf said, at the sight of the purple monkey.

"I call him Peter," Grit said. "He is my monkey. My little monkey."

"Um..." Olaf said.

The purple monkey proceeded to hump Grit's leg. Olaf recoiled in disgust.

"That's disgusting!!!" he yelled.

Grit looked down at the monkey and screamed. He screamed like a little girl.

He screamed so loud, that the ice began to break. The whole Blue Moon HQ began to break.

"Great job, girlypants."

The HQ colapsed into little ice pieces. Except for the room that Colin was in, and the stuff inside the room. In fact, we're not sure if it's on ground level or not, so it's just floating in the air.

Colin blinked. "wtf?"

_Stop that._

No. After saying wtf, Colin looked around. "My bum still hurts!" he whined. He whined like a monkey, like the purple monkey that had humped Grit's leg in the most disturbing way. "That monkey should be banned," Colin said.

_Hang on, how does he know what you're saying?_

Because he does. Stop asking questions. Anyway, Colin somehow unfroze his butt from the chair by farting.

"Tee hee hee!" he giggled. Then he stood up.

"I have to find Olaf and Grit and Arthas and Andy and that disturbed little purple monkey!"

He slipped on the ice as he walked by and fell from the floating platform. He fell all the way through the air onto the snow. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he screamed as he fell to the ground and was killed instantly, even though it was snow.

Actually, he didn't die. He just fell onto the snow.

"Get off," said the snow.

No, it didn't. I'm sorry for lying to you those two times. I promise I won't in chapter three. Colin got up and started looking for his friends.


	3. Old CHAPter Three

**Chapter Three**

"Sirs? It? Where are you gents?"

Colin searched and searched and searched. And looked. Did I mention he searched?

But he could not find his friends.

"I've lost them forever!" he cried, and began to cry, like a little baby.

Colin is such a baby. He can't even handle losing his friends. What a loser!

"Shut up!" Colin cried, still moaning like a baby. "I am not!" he yelled childleshly.

Suddenly the purple monkey appeared.

"Yay!" Colin said. "Where are the others?"

The monkey said nothing, but humped Colin's leg.

"HELP!" Colin screamed. "I'M BEING RAPED BY A PURPLE MONKEY!"

"His name is Peter," Grit muttered.

"I thought it was Pete," Olaf protested.

"Well, it's both, really." Grit said. "Pete Peter Peterson."

"Wow," Colin said.

Arthas suddenly appeared out of thin air. Olaf had a heart attack and died.

_Wait a minute._

Yes?

_You said last chapter that killing off the characters would be stupid._

And?

_You just killed off Olaf._

...shut up!!!

When Arthas appeared, Olaf SO didn't have a heart attack. He just screamed. Like Grit. Yeah.

"Shut up!" Arthas said.

"I didn't say anything," Colin responded.

"Wanna hear a story?" Arthas said.

"Okay!" Grit said.

"Once upon a time this HQ exploded," Arthas said. "And I lived. And so did you guys."

"Wow, I can't wait to hear what's next!" Olaf said.

"This is boring," Colin muttered. "I want ice cream!"

"Too bad," Arthas said.

"But I wanna!" Colin sobbed like the little baby he is.

"Too bad," Arthas repeated. "Anyway, I'm gonna go get me some nachos. Who wants to come with?"

"Me!" Grit yelled. But then there was an avalanche, even though there weren't any mountains! They were all covered in snow.

Sooner or later, this one guy came and walked over the new piles of snow made by the avalanche. He was carrying a book and a picnic basket, and then he put the picnic basket down and began to make a picnic for himself. He also put the book on the ground, because he dropped it.

Suddenly a GIANT ZOMBIE HAND CAME OUT OF THE SNOW! OMFG! Actually, it was just Olaf's. But the guy had a heart attack anyway.

Olaf came out of the snow, followed by Grit and Colin. But not Arthas. Funny story, really. Arthas had gotten lost in the snow tunnels, because there were somehow tunnels even though it was a fresh avalanche. So he got lost, and eventually froze to death 15 years later.

"Where's Arthas?" Colin asked.

Read what I just said, fool.

"I'm not a fool!" Colin said.

Yes you are.

_He so is a fool._

"Shut up!" Colin demanded.

"So... how about those nachos?" Olaf asked.

"Screw nachos," Grit said. "I want pizza!"

"Nachos!" Olaf screamed.

"Pizza!" Grit retorted somehow.

"Nachos!"

"Pizza!"

"Nachos!"

"Pizza!"

_Burgers!_

Olaf shot the italics guy. "Nachos!"

Colin looked around. "Look, it's an indian!"

The indian came and impaled Colin with a spoon.

"Ow," Colin said. Then he died.

_Wait._

No.

_How come Colin dies?_

Because he's a whiny baby.

_But that's not a-_

Shut up. We'll continue this in Chapter Four.

**The End! (Of Chapter Four)**

_This chapter's too short._

Shut up, the chapter's over.

_But it's too short._

Is that my problem?

_It could be._

It doesn't seem like it right now...

_It'll be soon, don't worry._

Can you please shut up?

_No._

I'll give you pie...

_Yum!_

There we go.


	4. Part Fore

_Chapter Four_

_It's chapter four now._

So?

_So let's end this._

No.

_Why not?_

Because you stink.

_Like what?_

Like Poopie.

_I do not!_

Do to. Now shut up and let me continue.

Olaf and Grit walked off to find some nachos. But they eventually got lost.

"I think we're lost," Olaf said.

"Obviously," Grit said back.

"Don't talk back to me!" Grit yelled.

"Don't yell at me!" Olaf screamed.

"I want nachos already!" Grit squealed. "Wait, squealed?"

Olaf laughed. "Ha ha, you're a pig!"

"Am not!" Grit fumed. "Gimmie nachos!"

He suddenly strangled Olaf and choken him to death within two minutes.

"Um... oops?"

Is Olaf really dead? NO! But how? Nobody knows! As for the rest of the chapter, let's go to Orange Star!

Somewhere in Orange Star, Sami was walking through a hallway. A dark hallway. Actually, there was no hallway. It ran off with the spoon. So instead, Sami is walking in the darkness. But then she entered the kitchen.

As she did, the fridge door suddenly opened! She looked at it, and blinked. Like this: :huh:

...well, actually, that isn't blinking. Close enough.

Anyway, Sami grabbed the fridge door and pushed it. It wouldn't close. She tried again. It didn't budge.

She began pushing, and pushing, and pushing some more! But nothing happened! The door wouldn't close! It wouldn't! It just sticked there and did not move, and let all the cold out of the fridge! All the popcicles would melt! Everything would be inedible! **WHY WOULDN'T THE DOOR CLOSE? WHY!??! WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?**

But then she closed it. Somehow.

"Whew," Sami said. "All this pushing made me tired."

She colapsed of heat exhaustion. Then had heat stroke. Then got sunburned, even though it was night and was in a building. Plus, the AC was running on full heat. So there.

Suddenly, it was back in Blue Moon.

_I thought you said that would continue in Chapter Five._

I said nothing of the sort.

_But you left an impression..._

So? That doesn't mean it'll happen.

_Well..._

Actually, you were right. Tee hee!

_...what?_

END CHAPTER FOUR!

_Eh?_

Shut up. And yeah, this is a short chapter. I'm just taking the versions I had from AWB. Spare me, please. Mehehe.


End file.
